Occam's Razor

(Warning: this blog post is rated R.)

In general, I suck at blog marketing. I like more page views, but generally I am too apathetic to do much about it. But I do watch page usage, which is why critiquing Craigslist Casual Encounters (Northern Virginia edition) has become a monthly feature of the blog, at least as long as it brings in more readers. So some good marketing news:  Google Analytics tells me I got about 220 page views for Craigslist blog entries in the last thirty days, as opposed to about 150 page views the previous thirty days. So this peculiar marketing strategy seems to be working and it’s worth my time to keep at it. It rarely fails to amuse me, although there is a certain sameness to it.

So here we go for October 2013. I can’t begin to claim I’ve read every ad posted in the last 30 days. Who has that kind of time? Nor can I claim that any ad I link to will be there if you click on it. These ads tend to be ephemeral and a lot of them will get quickly flagged. To deal with the huge volume of posts, I critique only the first page presented to me, specifically whatever comes up here in my browser. To dig into the details I use my iPad’s Craigslist app, which is more efficient for scanning this stuff.

Let’s get into the dirt because rest assured this stuff is dirt, and not the sanitized kind you buy at a Home Depot.

• A thirty nine year old woman and her husband are hosting a gangbang, which in the world of sleaze has a completely different meaning: basically one person (generally a woman) puts out for as many “guests” (generally guys) as possible. “Sexy plain Jane gal by day but this weekend she is turning into a porn star.” I hope like most real porn stars she is insisting on men wearing condoms or, failing that, having a recent certificate from a testing agency asserting they are disease free. It sounds like she won’t be getting much sleep. “From now till Sunday morning. If this post is up she’s still playing.” I think it’s great that some women have a high sex drive, but I can’t imagine a woman doing this outside of a safe place like a swing club with strict rules. I have to wonder if her husband is a dominant and is making her do this. I’ll pass and I don’t care how horny you are, you should too.
• Here’s a 29-year-old married man desperate for some oral sex (warning: explicit picture) from a woman. I’m gathering he is not getting it from his wife, which is a shame. My suspicion is that if he would return the favor, he wouldn’t be advertising on Craigslist. He likely won’t get any female takers, but it’s a good bet his inbox will be stuffed with offers from gay guys who for some reason seem to prefer straights. If he’s that desperate he might want to see if he is really a zero on the Kinsey Scale because that’s as close as he will get, unless he is willing to pay an escort. There’s likely a simpler solution: “Honey, can I have a blowjob?” My limited experience is that even women not much into oral sex will indulge you if you make it worth their while. Try seducing your wife already!
• Here’s a woman with an unusual fantasy. Given its nature it is unlikely to be realized because it requires both a well-endowed black man and a “daddy” and it involves some sexual role-play between the men. Whoops, looks like it has been flagged, which probably means Craigslist readers suspect this woman is actually a guy, probably the “daddy” in the fantasy, except he does not really need a woman, just the black dude.
• Here’s a gay guy from Vienna, Virginia into football who wants to combine his passion for football with his passion for his own sex. It sounds like when his team scores you should put your “football” through his “goalpost”. And probably also when they are just moving the ball down the field as well. Go team!
• If you are a woman who just happens to have a strap-on (that’s a phallus strapped on to the woman so they can do what men do so well) there is a 35-year-old dude willing to open his orifice to any woman either tonight or Monday only. I’m guessing not too many women keep these by their bedstead to use for opportunities like this and there’s no indication this guy has one you can borrow. I don’t think you can rent one at a local rental shop.
• Finally! A post in this section that sounds, well, almost normal. This guy is more than willing to play Scrabble with a woman, watch a good movie (maybe even a chick flick) and do a little dope. Maybe more. If I had to guess this is one of the few ads in this section that might get a response, probably from a lady dope head.
• This guy has given up on Viagra, but is willing to “barter” his remaining supply. His choice of language is kind of peculiar: “shoot me your best offer”. Freudian slip?
• Are you an older and submissive transvestite? A 45-year-old guy from Tysons is looking to meet you tonight and I don’t think it’s to hit the sushi bar. Not to worry: “I am safe, sane and real.” Perhaps he should hook up with this transvestite who has a room at the Hyatt hotel off Jefferson Davis Highway. Or even this transvestite.
• I think I found a legitimate ad from a female looking for a guy! Anyhow, you can see this 23-year-old woman who is “a bit bigger” from her smartphone pictures. Warning: one explicit picture. You have to like Hispanic women but that’s not a problem for Craigslist men. They will take anyone with female chromosomes.
• This is a pretty good deal for guys willing to go to Quantico: a free professional massage. You had best be gay because he is anticipating a “happy ending”. He supports the troops by, er, helping them stand erect! The good news is it’s okay if you are gay marine at Quantico, home of a big Marine base: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is no more.
• Yes ladies, there are men into super obese women. Go meet him! He wants to meet you and it sounds like maybe breed with you. He’s got four pictures to show you he is otherwise just an ordinary guy and not a creep.
• A 23-year-old woman from Ashburn wants to party, but not just with you. You got to take her to a real party, dude!
• There aren’t many but there are a few women on Craigslist looking for women. Here’s a married woman, age 44 from Manassas whose husband and son are away and wants to be dominated by a woman. She is so lonely! Please respond!
• Here’s a couple looking for a man but with one unusual requirement. No, not that you are a black guy with a large endowment. That is standard these days. No, you must be uncircumcised. Guy is 28; girl is 24. I guess that leaves me out.
• Last month I noted a weird post from a gay couple looking for a “son”. Apparently they didn’t find him because they are posting again.

There will be more in November, most likely.