Occam's Razor

It’s the first weekend of the month and thus time for me to turn off my analytical brain and turn on my gawking brain. It’s that part of my brain that has me reading sites like People of Walmart and White Trash Repairs. In short, it’s that time of the month to revel in the gutter rather than shoot for the stars. Quite frankly it’s easier to get into the gutter than reach for the stars anyhow.

No place on the Internet though lies deeper in the gutter than Craigslist’s casual encounters section. I will confess it’s getting harder to find truly unique nuggets of gutter trash. Many posts run on similar themes. Still, I can usually find a couple every month, hopefully for your enjoyment.

Before I peer into the Craigslist gutter, I noted at least 192 web page hits for my Craigslist posts in January, out of 1015 total web page hits. My overall hit count has been trending down, but these Craigslist reviews still generate a significant amount of my traffic, at least 19% in January. Scanning the Hartford, Connecticut Craigslist Casual Encounters section on this cold but sunny Saturday on the first page of postings I find:

• 31 men looking for a woman
• 35 men looking for a man
• 6 men looking for a couple
• 2 men looking for a transgender person
• 1 group of men looking for a man
• 1 group of men looking for a couple
• 13 women looking for a man
• 2 couples looking for a man
• 1 couple looking for a woman
• 3 couples looking for another couple
• 9 transgender people looking for a man
• 3 transgender people looking for multiple men

Let’s see what the cat hasn’t dragged in yet:

• She’s a woman looking for a dominant woman for daytime play. Why daytime? Because she’s got a husband and doesn’t want him to know. Still sounds pretty generic until you find the kink: she enjoys sniffing her own wet panties.
• He’s a 45-year-old single man with red, white and black striped tights looking to get a woman pregnant, presumably the old fashioned way. Not sure what the motivation is here, unless he likes paying child support, as he is likely to do so if he succeeds in this quest. If I had to guess he’s had a vasectomy, isn’t actually single and this is his attempt to get some bits on the side.
• Men, she says she’s from Enfield and wants nothing from you other than to give you head. Sound about perfect, but I’m betting there’s an exchange of some cash, a Mastercard or Visa in there somewhere.
• This is likely to go wrong. “She” is actually a he (husband in this case I think) trying to find a woman to hit on his 26-year-old wife. Meet him at the bar and he’ll bring you home to meet his old lady who he claims loves lesbian porn. On the plus side, he’s unlikely to get any replies.
• When you see four posts in a row from two men in Bristol, Connecticut looking for either a couple or another guy, it’s a good bet it’s all the same poster, or posters in this case. Also, they all have a picture of a guy’s hairy ass, which even if I were gay would be a turnoff for me. So I don’t expect this “couple” (I’m betting it’s just one guy) will be getting many inquiries. That’s probably why “they” have four different ads.
• In case you are incredibly naïve, there are lots of ulterior motives for Craigslist posters, like blackmail. Case in point: a woman from Avon with New Jersey plates and driving a black Camaro. Run away!
• For some women, size does matter and race does too. This 5’2”, 18-year-old woman needs 7 inches plus and black and rough.
• He’s 23, from New Haven, a “cub” and looking for a “daddy” or “older bro” to spank him and (I swear I am not making this up) wash his mouth out with soap. Okay, there’s one kink I’ve never seen before on Craigslist.
• So many of these ads from women look fake to me, but this one has the whiff of being legit. First, she’s black and is obviously taking her own selfie. Second it’s devoid of the more obvious signs of fakery: embedded phone numbers and inconsistent sentences. Third, she needs a man with extra between the legs, in the parlance a “bull” because she has a “cuck” of a man who needs to be humiliated. Dominant men, you could do a lot worse. Anyhow, the hotel room has been paid for and it would be a shame for it to go to waste.
• He’s a 51-year-old single white male from Meriden looking for a female live in companion. No mention of the rent, so maybe it’s free and you put out instead of paying rent. Anyhow, must like dogs because he has one. Good luck poster but inviting some stranger to live with you sounds incredibly dangerous.
• As you may recall there was a recent allegation that our president likes golden showers. This 44-year-old man from Newington is looking for a woman for this experience, but is hoping he doesn’t have to go to Russia and pay a high-class prostitute to get it.
• Weaned too early and/or very giving and/or inclined toward your own sex? If you are a woman, this selfish 34-year-old woman from Manchester wants you to come over and nuzzle on her breasts while she takes a nap. She says it’s nonsexual. Hmmm.
• I don’t understand the whole “daddy” thing, but I’m betting these “daddy” women read (and like) Shades of Grey. This one is more turned on if you are married too.

Okay, I think I’ve spent enough time in the gutter for February. Back to reading People of Walmart and see you in March.