Occam's Razor

I would think it would be hard (no pun intended) to get horny today. We’ve had a week of clouds and as I write yet more rain is falling. But I just checked and yes there are plenty of local Craigslist casual encounters postings today, and by local I mean Hartford, Connecticut, about an hour south of me by car.

Scanning the titles that come up, I’m not going to have a hard time finding posts that shock, disgust or reset your already low opinion of our species. But then again, Republicans pretty much have decided to nominate Donald Trump to be their candidate for president. Elevated as a species we are not, as both Trump and Craigslist casual encounters postings attest.

I can document at least 229 web page hits for my Craigslist posts in April, about average, but 122 of them are for this post, so I expect it will appear in my top ten list this year. Overall this is 15% of my web hits, which is up from last month. Scanning the first page of postings for Hartford, Connecticut this first Friday in May I find:

• 46 men looking for a woman
• 36 men looking for a man
• 6 men looking for a couple
• 6 men looking for a transgender
• 3 women looking for a man
• 2 women looking for a woman
• 1 couple looking for a couple
• 2 transgender people looking for a man

Why is it that transgender people are never looking for a woman? Anyhoo, let’s dig into the trash pile and see if some of these posters can out Trump the Donald:

• She’s 21, claims the bad weather is making her super horny and wants to suck off as many men as possible today … in you are young and in shape.
• Women, this is as close as you are going to get to a zipless fuck. This 48-year-old married man’s version is a wordless fuck. It’s unclear if moaning and screaming count as words. It’s been my experience that “Yes! Yes!” is usually in there somewhere no matter what.
• Speaking of kinks here’s another one I’ll never understand: wanting to be cleanup boy. Well, he’s no boy, he’s 28, from Manchester and he’s not talking about tidying up things in your bedroom while you go at it. No he wants to eat the woman out while the guy plows into her, which I would think would be impossible to do simultaneously. What he really wants to clean up is the mess after male orgasm. Umm, pass.
• She’s so horny to try a woman she’ll pay for dinner and a hotel room.
• Some women are into well-endowed men. This man is into well-endowed women and we’re not talking ass or breasts here. Is this a case of suppressed micro-penis envy?
• I guess it’s never too late to act out your bi-curious feelings as if this comes to pass it will be a first time for this partnered 58-year-old woman. The partner would like to watch, if you’re willing. And speaking of older bi-curious people, here’s a heavy 60-plus bi-curious man from Manchester who wants to be bottomed by either the male in the couple or the woman or both.
• Last month I confessed my ignorance about tribbing. Now I understand. (Warning: explicit picture.)
• This 30-year-old man from Vernon claims to be newly bi-curious which means he really wants to try his own sex. I’m no fashion pro obviously but I strongly suggest you lose the black socks and repost dude.
• He’s 24, looking for a mature daddy and says he is a “semi passable sissy”. Given the hair on that ass and the ridiculous pink panties I’d say semi passable is pushing it. Still, it’s more truth in advertising than you usually see on Craigslist.
• Finally: safe sex on Craigslist! Watch this couple go at it on Skype and wank off to them!
• This 29-year-old man from Bristol doesn’t understand that a FWB is not a one time casual encounter.
• Boy, you do want them young if you are 24 years old and want to be the daddy in the relationship. Most likely whatever you have in mind would be statutory rape.
• Ladies, will you trade free rent for sex? If so, this 33-year-old man from Hartford wants you to contact him. If you will trade a part-time handyman for sex, this 55-year-old man from Enfield is also looking for a fair exchange of value.
• Speaking as a man, every once in a while I come across an adorable woman who in some fantasy world I passionately want to know in the biblical sense and then I find myself crestfallen when I learn they are gay. (Hint: One of them is Ellen DeGeneres.) I imagine women come across hunks like this black man and feel crestfallen too knowing he won’t want you. But guys, he’s very selective. To even get considered you must be packing at least nine inches.
• She’s 20, from Windsor Locks and is looking for a woman who will help her tease her husband by having girl on girl sex in front of him, leading into a threesome, which is perhaps the strangest anniversary celebration ever. Kinky, yes. Romantic, no.
• Ladies, she’s 29, from East Hartford and wants to use her strap on on you. Clearly, she likes to be on top of things.
• Men, double your fun: two women from Hartford are looking for one lucky man.

More next month.