Occam's Razor

It’s the first Friday of the month so that means it’s that time of the month … to plumb my local Craigslist Casual Encounters Section to see what bizarre and unusual postings are out there this cold night. Hopefully the embers of local Craigslist denizens are burning red hot tonight.

Some statistics for January come first. Google Analytics reports at least 261 pages of my Craigslist posts were served in January, quite a bit higher than in December, but traffic was up a bit in general last month. This amounted to about 14 percent of my overall web traffic. Meanwhile, looking at the first page of ads popping up tonight, I see the following posting demographics:

• 37 men looking for a woman
• 32 men looking for a man
• 3 men looking for a couple
• 4 men looking for a transgender
• 6 women looking for a man
• 5 women looking for a woman
• 4 couples looking for other couples
• 2 couples looking for a woman
• 6 couples looking for a man
• 4 transgender people (I must use the politically correct term) looking for a man

Let’s see how many eyebrows I can raise tonight. Not much fazes me anymore, so it’s more of a challenge to see if anything will raise my eyebrow.

• Couples, would it be a turn on to have a sex with guy in his mid 50s with a pock marked face and long flowing blondish hair that makes him look sort of girlish? Yes, this man is brave enough to post his picture though thankfully he has his clothes on. He says he’s bi and that his hair is shorter now. While he says he’s done this before he is really after the guy. He wants to orally please him to complete ecstasy. Oh, he smokes and is “physically challenged”. To me he looks like a creepy serial murderer.
• He’s 28 and from Alexandria and his birthday is Sunday. His Latina girlfriend will be his slave for the day as his birthday present. What he wants to do is tie her up naked on the bed and let men come over and jerk off all over her. Apparently this does not include penetration or any oral sex. You can see head and crotch shots of her at the link. The younger the better but you must be at least seven inches and in shape to take advantage of this opportunity.
• This 23-year-old guy is into female nerds, presumably the type that watch Third Rock from the Sun. He’s looking for freckles, braces and glasses and wants all three but will settle for less. Curiously one thing he is not explicitly looking for is sex. Now that’s kinky!
• This submissive bottom transgender’s ad is nothing special, but the little white ball hanging off the back of his/her panties certainly is odd. He’s 38 and lives in South Arlington and, of course, is looking for a man.
• Men don’t get to have all the kinky fun on Craigslist. Women can let their hair down too, as in this woman for multiple women ad proves. She’s a 30-year-old woman who is hosting a women only party tomorrow. You can be hetero, bi or a lesbian, it doesn’t matter, but you should come prepared to let your hair down. From the posted pictures also be prepared to let most of your clothes down as well. The fun starts at 8 p.m. and lasts until 1 a.m. If you are a woman in a hurry and are looking for just one woman tonight and are between 25-40, hit this size 18 up!
• She’s 32, lives in Vienna and looks great with soapy water running down her ass. She is also married but that doesn’t seem to be an issue if you want to be intimate with her, providing you are a dominant black man six foot or taller and 35+.
• Here’s a new way to get women’s attention: lure them with the promise of naked yoga. A few problems: he’s 40, married and new to yoga. Be prepared to dial 911 when he breaks a hamstring.
• If you are gay and into deciphering a very hard to understand post full of acronyms, partially spelled words and lots of odd punctuation, this 51-year-old old coot from Fort Hunt may be just what you need tonight. Clearly, he won’t be winning any spelling bees.
• If I were part of a couple into swinging with other couples and about twenty years younger, I’d definitely run, not walk, for the opportunity to hook up with the female half of this couple from Arlington. She’s Asian, has long flowing hair and breasts of someone half her age. In fact, I may need to go take a cold shower! If you can’t find the ad don’t worry as apparently it was posted twice.
• All right, 35-year-old guy from Sterling! Four ads about your desire to give a woman oral sex (and get yourself a FWB) are enough! Most likely you still won’t get any legitimate responses.
• Submissive ladies, why have one master when you can have two? Actually, it’s one master (49) and one mistress (29) and you can look forward to bondage, humiliation, pain and more humiliation. They are waiting for your worthless reply.
• I had no idea what “manscaping” was until I read this ad from a 44-year-old guy near Fair Oaks Mall. Apparently it involves razors and shaving cream and it’s something men do to other men. I’ll pass, thanks.
• Here’s something odd: a couple looking for a woman, but only to take photos of them nude.
• One of the kinks out there I will never get is urinating into someone’s mouth. Here’s a 28-year-old guy from Arlington (warning: explicit picture) looking for a guy to do this to him.

If the above looks pretty kinky or bizarre to you, you don’t hang out on Craigslist regularly. This is pretty pedestrian stuff. Let’s see if I find something weirder next month.