Occam's Razor

It’s that time of the month for me to scour the Craigslist Northern Virginia casual encounters section. It’s easy to do. I don’t have to think about it too much, it brings in search traffic, and it rarely fails to be entertaining. You simply can’t make up some of these posts because often they are so bizarre that we regular people simply lack the imagination to think of some of these things. It’s also the Friday and thus the start of the weekend. You can almost feel libidos rising as great expectations get set for kinky casual encounters this weekend, virtually all of them to be dashed.

Some statistics. I’m just over 200 posts of Craigslist traffic this month. There are at least 204 hits that I can document but possibly more that I can’t. So I may have milked this trend for all I can get from it. Regardless, after I move next year I expect to drop this feature from the site. I’ve looked at Craigslist in Western Massachusetts where I’ll be living, and due to its lower population density there are far fewer of these sorts of posts, and they are far more pedestrian.

Anyhow, bringing up the first page, I see:

• 37 men looking for women
• 43 men looking for men
• 3 men looking for a couple
• 1 man looking for multiple men
• 3 men looking for transsexuals and cross dressers
• 0 women looking for women
• 5 women looking for men
• 3 women looking for multiple men
• 5 transsexuals or cross dressers looking for men

Onward:

• Men, do you want to be some guy’s slave? This guy is taking applications. It sounds like he has one already and you would just be another one. You can be bi or straight, and given the latter I’m wondering why any heterosexual would apply. He’s looking for you to primarily do housework but you do get occasional opportunities to be tortured in his dungeon. What could be more fun? Well, just about anything. He must save a fortune by not hiring a maid service.
• Some months back I mentioned a guy aroused by the Latino men in a local Home Depot. Not sure if this is the same guy (probably not as he is in Leesburg) but he’s going with a similar theme. He’s hot for Latino men and their crotches, except it’s Walmart Latino men that have him hyper salivating. I hope Walmart security there keep tabs on the men’s room and also keeps the Loudoun County police on speed dial, because he is into giving you oral sex in one of their men’s room stalls. However, he is open to doing it in a car as well. My guess is he’ll be easy to spot because he’ll be wandering around the Leesburg Walmart and licking his lips at anyone that might pass for a Latino guy.
• She used to be a man, is done with her sex reassignment surgery and is now looking for a man to penetrate her. (Warning: explicit picture.) The good news for men into this kind of sex, as she says, is that you can’t make her pregnant, which if you think about it would be a trick on par with immaculate conception. Maybe womb and ovary transplants will be the next brave new frontier for these new women.
• Ladies, do you like to watch a couple in heat? You can get as close as you want to this couple (38 and 40) in Alexandria. Maybe bringing a large magnifying glass is in order. Undressing is optional.
• Here’s another man (see last month’s post), this time from Burke that is in his 20s who is looking to buy women’s used panties. But this one has a catch: it has to happen in person. He will compensate you for your trouble but it looks like he has more than used panties in mind. “I’m open minded, if you are too, maybe we can do a little bit more.”
• A couple from Woodbridge would like to do a “soft swap” this weekend, maybe. They are both in their 50’s and want to meet for dinner first to see if there is chemistry. It sounds like this lab experiment will fizzle out from lack of combustible material.
• Lots of “women” will advertise on Craigslist for men but are basically looking to sell their bodies. Their ads are quickly flagged, which is probably by there are so few postings from women. This 31-year-old man though at least is different: he is openly soliciting for women (two women at the same time) to fulfill his fantasy, and apparently he expects them to be whores, as he is willing to pay with “Benjamins”.
• He’s a buff 21-year-old guy in boxers looking for a woman to screw. To improve the odds, he also posted an ad for a transsexual. The same photo and text are in both ads.
• Twister was basically a game to allow underage girls and boys to get into each other’s intimate space. You are never too old to play the game however. Since you are an adult now, how about Naked Twister? This six-foot man from Alexandria is all set. I guess he is clueless on how totally lame this ad is, which on Craigslist says a lot.
• Are you into playing with daddies? He is a daddy all right but at 67 he’s old enough to be a granddaddy and maybe even a great granddaddy. So are you into incest role-play with a grandfather? If so please respond to him. My guess is he is the least likely poster on Craigslist tonight to get a reply.
• I like the occasional truth in advertising in a Craigslist post. This 32-year-old married guy from Reston says he nearing the end of his marriage and is “a bit of a hot mess”. What woman could possibly resist this offer?
• This 21-year-old woman knows how to have a great time: get high as a kite sniffing coke and then get screwed by an over-endowed man. It’s unclear whether as host you get to provide her skiing package.
• Attention autistic women like Temple Grandin: you too can take comfort from being kenneled. He wants a picture but it’s unclear whether it should include you with a dog collar in your mouth.
• Craigslist ads for men looking for men in particular would make most sailors blush. Here’s a 29-year-old gay guy who simply wants another man to kiss and cuddle with. He’s looking for something truly bizarre: intimacy. If it weren’t for the venue, this ad would be sort of sweet and romantic.
• A 28-year-old local woman wants to invite 8-10 men to bed, all at the same time. She is not into “lame campus stuff”. Strangely, here’s a 36-year-old woman looking for basically the same thing. I suspect this is the same poster. This is probably her as well. Someone(s) are definitely in heat! Maybe they should just go to this party.
• Ladies: an Arlington man wants to suck your toes and nothing else, scout’s honor!
• This post from a 26-year-old guy in Leesburg wins the most disgusting post of the month award. Don’t read it! You have been warned!
• Can a Korean lady be a redneck? Men are invited to find out.

More in December.