Occam's Razor

And we’re back! It’s officially autumn and perhaps that means some cooling of the libidos of my neighbors. The only way to know is to scan the Craigslist Northern Virginia Casual Encounters ads. I prefer to do this scanning on the first Friday of the month (which today is) because it’s the start of the weekend. People often have great expectations for their weekends. Let’s see if that’s true by scanning today’s ads.

But first, a few statistics. Google Analytics counted at least 242 hits for my Craigslist posts in September, about average, which comprises about 13% of my total web page views, also about average. What’s not average are the expectations of my fellow hormonally stressed neighbors, particularly, of course, the men. On the first page of posts I find:

• 31 men looking for women
• 44 men looking for men
• 6 men looking for a couple (man/woman)
• 3 men looking for a transvestite/transsexual
• 6 women looking for men
• 1 woman looking for a woman
• 2 women looking for multiple men
• 8 transsexuals/transvestites looking for men
• 1 group of men looking for a woman

Let’s indulge our prurient or bizarre interests:

• For the third month in a row, she’s back! At least she appears to be the same woman, always looking for another woman for breast play. It’s hard to say for sure, but she claims to be 27, African American and from Alexandria. Maybe she’s getting pickier. In previous postings she was looking for beyond enormous boobs. She still likes big breasts, but not big women, at least not more than size 12. She won’t host but is open to car play.
• It’s not just women who like their men big. Some men do as well. This man is not looking for length but for girth. And he is not just into oral sex but mostly anal sex, this weekend with himself as the recipient. Race doesn’t matter but girth does. You do have to like older men because he is 49.
• Here’s an ad from ten guys who think there is power in numbers. What randy woman would not like parallel sex as opposed to one at a time sex, i.e. a gangbang or group sex where you are the star attraction? There are up to ten of them you can have all at once although I suspect more than three at once is actually physically impossible. Not one of them is older than 38 and they all come equipped with more than six inches of masculinity. They say they are respectful, if there is anyway to have respectful group sex, and they are happy to meet at hotels. I assume they pay for the room, which makes for a cheap date if you think about it. (I try not to think about this too much.) Anyhow, this sounds kind of what this woman is looking for. She’s 28 but has a unique requirement: all her men must be Marines. Here’s hoping at least some of this group of ten qualify. Failing that, hang outside the gate of the Quantico Marine base and send come hither looks.
• Here’s a guy looking for a male tattoo artist. He has an explicit picture of his joystick, but apparently he wants the tattoo to go on his back not on his joystick. It’s unclear whether he is genuinely gay or simply wants a free tattoo. It’s kind of weird in any event.
• Men, do you prefer sleek and skinny black women in gowns? She looks like she is dressing for the prom, but she claims to be 29. I hope you are reading this shortly after I post it because she is only available until 6 PM. She has tons of pictures. I’ll bet your Visa or Mastercard will be required to gain admittance, but I must confess if I were tempted to pay for the privilege she would make an excellent choice.
• Men: are you obese and gay? It’s your lucky day, providing you want oral sex only because this guy from Alexandria will happily suck away. Curiously, he does not want you to return the pleasure or for that matter do anything else sexual with you, perhaps because you are obese and gay.
• It’s tough if you are a guy looking for a woman, particularly an older guy looking for a younger woman. Which is why this guy is going for the daddy/daughter angle. It’s unlikely to work but at least you put some different bait as lure on your fishing line.
• Sometimes it’s good to be a guy and still have pimples. You can’t be older than 20 to qualify for this opportunity to go “bareback” with this husband’s wife and multiple other young and horny guys. It shouldn’t be difficult to find these guys. It would take an exceptionally ugly woman for any heterosexual guy at that age to say no. It’s still not the least bit safe, so apparently some lapse of judgment may be part of his reasoning for this age requirement.
• He’s a 25 year old guy from Sterling with his own African American submissive “slut”. He’s looking for a dominant woman to help abuse her sometime after 5 PM today. Ladies, you can see most of the woman you are supposed to help humiliate in the ad.
• I still don’t understand the whole “I am gay and married” thing. Why the hell did you get married? You would think the two would be mutually exclusive. (This being Virginia, you know his spouse is a woman.) What I understand even less is why this gay and married guy would like to have you fill up some of his orifices and he thinks you might want some of his wife’s used panties. Curiously this 50-year-old man from Vienna’s post is right next to this one from a 30-year-old man from Woodbridge who is looking to buy any used panties you ladies have to sell. I guess he can’t get these on eBay?
• Are you a white Latin Asian man? I would think these would be mutually exclusive, but not to this 54 year old “dad”. If you are, apply here.
• Ladies, do you like your men tall and muscular? This 6’7” French guy looks fresh out of a gym with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You might be literally carried away if you hook up with him. Prepare to swoon.
• She needs an arrangement. She needs an older man (read: someone who has money) to eat and go shopping. It may have something to do with the fact that she is lactating and pregnant. Old Country Buffet may be her idea of a great dinner date, and it won’t cost too much.
• Guys, watch out for this 42-year-old woman who looks more like 62. She will grab you for sure, but what she will grab will be your wallet. Picture if interested.
• A couple in Warrenton is looking for a sperm donor. There is no indication whether this 32-year-old woman wants you to make a personal deposit or to leave a sample. Whatever, it sounds creepy. Haven’t they ever heard of sperm banks?
• There are a number of role-play ads on Craigslist today, but this is perhaps the most unusual and wordy: a woman in Tysons looking for “gyno” role-play and she’s got a very specific scenario she wants to try. Thankfully, you don’t need to be a real gynecologist, but it probably doesn’t hurt because it’s hard to rent a stirrup set. You can’t be more than 35 and must be at least six feet tall.

More next month.