Occam's Razor

It’s that time of the month to check Craigslist to find out what weird kinky desires are emerging from the ids of my fellow residents of Northern Virginia. This is done, of course, by looking at its casual encounters section.

Craigslist takes pride in being low tech, so I was surprised that they introduced a control that facilitates scanning the ads. Basically they introduced previous and next buttons and one that takes you back to a list of posts. Thanks Craigslist, but you could have done this about twenty years ago!

My Craigslist traffic is down a bit this month. I count at least 259 hits for my Craigslist casual encounter posts. Just 27 direct hits were for my August edition, but these often roll up under archives for the month or someone scanning the Craigslist tag, so it’s hard to quantify. It works out to about 12.4% of my total page views during August.

A quick look at who’s posting this month, not surprisingly it is mostly guys. Bringing up the first page shows:

• 44 men looking for women
• 42 men looking for men
• 3 men looking for transvestites/transsexuals
• 3 women looking for men
• 0 women looking for women
• 3 couples looking for women
• 2 couples looking for men
• 1 couple looking for another couple
• 5 transvestites/transsexuals looking for men

Let’s get to the dirt. I expanded the search beyond the first page to see what some of the women were up to. So many of them are flagged and quickly deleted that the few that remain may actually be legit.

• The woman last month who wanted to play with a woman with enormously big boobs is back this month, I think. I guess she didn’t get lucky in August. Curiously, I haven’t seen one ad from an underendowed man looking to play with an over-endowed man. There must be something awesome about enormous breasts, other than their size, that I just don’t get.
• What is it with guys looking for effeminate men? Is it because they want a woman, but none will have them, so a transvestite, transsexual or “she male” will have to do? Clearly, I don’t get it but I happen to be heterosexual. Anyhow, here’s a 50 year old guy from my area (Sterling/Herndon) looking for a hot, younger man to model for him in women’s clothes and he’ll be snapping pictures. Part of the answer here is what he says: “I’m not interested in sex but you can show off all you want ;-))” Maybe he’s just into drag queens. I’m guessing he also wrote this post.
• ¿Se habla español? Sólo un poco aquî. There is a considerable Latino population in the area, and that includes gay Latinos and sometimes they post in Spanish in this section of Craigslist. I used the power of Google Translate to learn there is a 37-year-old man in Falls Church who hangs out near the Culmore Home Depot. He is getting hot and bothered by all the muscular and sweaty Latino landscapers in the store. In fact, he is so turned on that he can hardly keep from unzipping their pants and tasting their wares right there in the store. Anyhow, if you are one of these guys, contacta con él. Note to poster: I was in a Home Depot in Reston today, and they hang out there too.
• It’s not just white women that prefer well-endowed black men. Many black men including this married guy (explicit picture) prefer white women. He looks quite endowed by nature, at least in length. He claims his “baby mama” won’t put out for him anyore, so that’s why he’s advertising. However, he’s into white women only. If you’re a couple it’s cool if the guy wants to watch. He’s 38 and is in Fairfax. Be his “White Queen”, ladies. However, while he claims he’s only looking for one woman, make sure he is all suited up down there before consuming some of this dark chocolate. Maybe it should be double breasted.
• Lady, channel your inner Sebastian. Go on and kiss the girl, for the first time below the lips, if she just will respond to your post. She is 20.
• Porn is turning women into lesbians! This 19-year-old female was all heterosexual until she started watching porn. Now her curiosity for her own sex is bubbling over. Maybe she should hook up with the previous poster. They’ll both be virgins, of a sort.
• Attention Fairfax County cops: tonight you may have an opportunity to arrest a guy for toking weed in the Fair Oaks Mall parking lot, i.e. if this professed “stoner” can find a woman to take some tokes with him. If you are not sure he’s the right guy, he is if a woman hops in the car and they take off down Hunter Mill Road and mysteriously park on a nearby dark street. He’ll be stoned, but not so stoned he can’t find a woman’s groovy spot because apparently weed makes him horny, not mellow. The rest of the post from this guy in his 30’s reads like a bad letter to Penthouse Forum Variations, which ladies if you indulge him don’t be surprised to find the details repeated there.
• Women, does having unprotected sex using no contraception with a 49-year-old man get your juices flowing? If you are thinking clearly, you should be hearing claxon horns bellowing and an instinctive desire to flee to safety. If you are trying to get pregnant by any means whatsoever, he may be past his sexual prime, but he’s as horny as an 18-year-older, or so he claims. Copy down everything on his driver’s license first. It’s pretty expensive to raise a child these days, so you’ll need a lot of child support when you take him to court. As for this guy, he desperately needs to take the Ice Bucket Challenge instead. If he’s reading Craigslist though, he should contact this woman. She’s claims to be a lesbian but I guess she doesn’t want to wait for withdrawals from a sperm bank.
• Do you give professional deep throat? I’m trying to think if anyone qualifies other than Linda Lovelace, and she’s dead. At least she was paid for her specialty. Here’s a black 31-year-old man from Herndon with ten inches of engorged manhood who wants you to prove your credentials. I just wonder where these women get their certification. The Kinsey Institute? Anyhow, for sure he’ll let you practice if you are working on your certification, and perhaps he can sign the certificate. He wants to go parking and my bet is he will be at the Herndon Monroe Park and Ride. So Fairfax cops, after you are done arresting that stoner, here’s another tip.
• Any very dominant women with heels out there into stomping on men’s testicles? Here’s an under endowed (explicit picture) and somewhat chunky 40+ guy from Manassas who wants just that from you. Speaking as a guy, the last thing that would do for me is make me orgasm. I’d be howling in pain for a week if some woman actually did that to me. Any man with his parts intact will be in the emergency room. So this guy must be crazy and missed the lecture that semen is stored in the prostate, not the testicles. They do provide the sperm. Sorry dude, you must be so desperate to have any sexual contact with a woman you want to put yourself in the hospital!
• Who couldn’t use a housecleaner? I’m sure you’d make time to be home if she cleaned your house in the nude. She’ll also wear panties if you prefer, and I would insist on it during that time of the month. I guess it’s in your interest to do a close inspection of her cleaning techniques. She’s only 20 years old and from Falls Church, so I’m not sure how good she’ll do in cleaning your house, but I’m betting she can clean out your wallet real well.
• Looks like I found one of the vanishingly few posts from a married woman on Craigslist looking for a bit on the side. She’s 38, she’s black, and she’s looking for one guy not just for sex but — get this — for a mental connection too. It sounds like she is really looking for love. She’s okay with the discretion thing, but if your wife is a drill sergeant, please don’t apply.
• She’s a 30-year-old woman looking for a woman to get naked with but only if you have an unusually large clitoris. She won’t show you hers in her photo, but you can see her boobs.

So there is nothing particularly kinky this month, but size of key sexual parts seems to be a theme. If you are looking for the desperately unusual post, check out last month’s post.