Occam's Razor

I’m about to spend eleven days on the road, so to the extent I blog it will be a travelogue. This means I best try to put to bed (so to speak) my monthly critique of Craigslist Casual Encounters (Northern Virginia edition).

I start out with the obligatory statistics. According to Google Analytics, I had at least 322 page views for my Craigslist posts in July, plus views in my feed that are hard to measure. That’s about 15% of my browser traffic, and the numbers are up from June. As for the postings, on the first page of posts I find 35 men looking for women, 44 men looking for men, 2 men looking for a transsexual or transvestite, and 1 man looking for multiple men. Women are underrepresented, of course. 4 women are looking for men; just 1 woman is looking for another woman. 3 couples are looking for other couples. 4 couples are looking for women. 4 transsexuals/transvestites are looking for men and no other combination.

The amazing thing about the posts this month is that I found all these posts in the first half of the web page. Usually I have to dig to find the kinky stuff, at least those posted by women. So the kinky hormones are hitting a crescendo this month, which suggests a baby boomlet nine months from now. The winter doldrums of mediocre posts are clearly behind, so to speak. I am confident I could fill another couple of pages with other highly peculiar posts tonight. I’ll let you explore those for yourself.

• Today is my lucky day for finding weird posts. Second from the top of the page, here’s a 30-year-old woman somewhere in Northern Virginia who wants a man to take a dump on her. This just goes to prove that no matter how disgusting you think some sexual act is, someone is into it. She prefers men like me: in their 40s and 50s, as well as someone with experience doing this. I would imagine in the latter category, even in a populous area like Northern Virginia, at best you will find only a handful of gentlemen (and I am being tongue in cheek) with experience in something this weird, but who knows? I don’t hang around fetlife.com. The good news is that if you want to do this, she claims to be a hottie: “I am a pretty woman, sincere, easy going who is in great shape – I work hard for it.” At least in one way she is normal: “No one would know I was into this.” Lord, I hope not! If this still doesn’t raise your eyebrows, go read the full ad, because exactly where you do #2 is open to negotiation. As for me, I’m trying to imagine how one times something like this. It would challenge even Harry Houdini. I’m guessing a bottle of Ex-Lax helps.
• Women’s kinks are definitely coming out this month. Here’s a woman looking for a woman who is into breast play. It sounds like she wants to do the playing. From her photo she is probably modestly endowed in that area, but she is looking to play with breasts that are beyond enormous and from an African American woman only: “When I say very large breasts, I mean G, H, J cup and so on……the bigger the better ;-)” I hope she can keep us abreast on the matter. We’ll be waiting for a “full” report.
• A 44-year-old, 170-pound white male near Dulles Airport who claims to be a coach is looking for men for his team. He’s in an attractive spandex jockstrap that doesn’t suggest he necessarily can make his own team. “Show coach you have what it takes,” he demands.
• Most of us in the grocery store have heard announcements like “Cleanup on Aisle 3”. Here’s what I hope is an unusual guy who likes cleaning up the aftereffects of intercourse. But, of course, he is not the least bit weird. “I’m not a pervert In public. I have a professional lifestyle and I keep my sexual lifestyle discreet,” he says. And he plays very safe. He has papers he says, and you need them too. Hopefully the papers he is talking about is not for his dog’s spaying, so check them out couples. Warning: explicit picture.
• Guys, has your head spun lately while getting a blowjob? Here’s the problem: you are getting head from women, who don’t know exactly how to give perfect head. Gay men know much better, and this guy apparently believes he can make your head spin more than Linda Blair’s in The Exorcist. If for some reason you are not into guy-on-guy sex, she’s a transsexual with real breasts. It’s unclear if you can verify this since “she” will be using “her” gloryhole only. No charge. “She” is not a pro because “my time is free.” “She” could be 99 for all you know because she won’t give her age, just her location: North Arlington. I am betting it is better when you take out the dentures first.
• I still don’t understand the whole gloryhole fascination on Craigslist. I figure the person (almost always a man) on the other end must be hideous to look at otherwise they wouldn’t bother to go through the trouble of not being seen. Based on my experience as a heterosexual man being on the receiving side, all things being equal, oral sex is much better when your partner is good looking, although your partner’s enthusiasm has a lot to do with satisfaction too. Anyhow, this 35-year-old man has a side-by-side, dual gloryhole. It’s impossible for one person to do this from two gloryholes at the same time, so I’m not sure what the advantage is here, other than perhaps to watch the guy next to you at the same time. Anyhow, this is pretty weird. Is there such competition in gloryhole spots that you have to offer something unique? Warning: explicit picture.
• This is almost as weird as the first post: here’s a virulently nonsmoking guy who wants to give a smoking woman oral sex, while she is smoking of course. I’m trying really hard but I can’t for the life of me figure out why this would be a turn on.
• Speaking of cleanups on aisle 3, here’s the reverse of that previous poster: a 32-year-old guy from Ashburn who claims he has not had an orgasm in weeks is looking for a couple to suck him off. It’s not that he’s particularly bisexual, he’s just a realist and knows Craigslist well enough to figure out that two women won’t respond. So he’s willing to compromise. I still doubt he will get any replies except from two guys maybe.
• Here’s a guy in Culpeper with an explicit photo of his penis. No big deal there, of course, but this 29-year-old man wants to prove just how much manhood he has, so he as a ruler next to it. Only it’s a fuzzy picture so you really can’t tell how well he “measures up”. He just wants to plunge into you right now and no, he won’t host, which most likely means that he is married — or that he lives in a pigsty. Of course, the married thing is rarely an issue with Craigslist casual encounters readers. While the ruler can’t hurt, his is one of so many similar posts it will simply get lost in the pile, and not a whole lot of women in Culpeper are likely to be reading Craigslist on a Saturday night anyhow. Sorry dude, but you’ll find it necessary to take this problem into your own hands for a solution tonight.

Anyhow, in my mind the first poster wins this month’s award for the most bizarre and/or disturbing post. Congrats, or something.