Occam's Razor

At the start of the year I mentioned that the weather outside was frightful. It hadn’t seemed to cool the libidos of my fellow Northern Virginians, at least those that hang out on Craigslist Casual Encounters hoping against hope to score some kinky shenanigans despite the largely impassible roads and the single digit temperatures, not to mention the wan hopes of actually succeeding on scoring on Craigslist.

Two months later the weather outside is still frightful. The polar vortex does not want to leave the area. It’s snowing with a fresh accumulation of up to nine inches of snow predicted by later today. The temperature is in the teens, eighteen degrees to be specific. If there is to be a spring thaw at last, perhaps it will come from the unleashed heat of my fellow horny Northern Virginians.

But first a quick report from the statistics desk. Last month I neglected to give a report on my Craigslist casual encounters hits. I got at least 323 page views for this stuff in January, and at least 272 in February. I say “at least” because I can’t convince Google Analytics to show me more than the top ten pages with “Craigslist” in the title. Regardless, there remains plenty of public interest in these reports, so I feel an obligation to keep them, er, coming, so to speak. Bringing up the first page in my browser, I can see it is mostly men advertising for, well, anyone. There are 67 men looking for women, 25 men looking for men, just 1 woman looking for a man, 2 women looking for a woman, 1 couple looking for a man and 1 couple looking for a woman. So I’ll have to expand the scope beyond the first page to include a disproportionate number of women.

Warning: links may take you to sexually explicit content. Let’s dig into the snow and the posts in the Craigslist Casual Encounters area for Northern Virginia:

• A 32-year-old guy from, well, it’s not clear exactly but he’s looking at a territory from Leesburg to Reston, wants to know why it’s so hard to find a good friend with benefits. This is not too “hard”. First, consider the fact that most women, even here on Craigslist, probably don’t want to see a picture of your hard dick when viewing your ad. News alert: most women probably won’t swoon at a dick picture. Based on the minimal postings by women, it’s also probably because no one is reading your ad except, well, me, and purely for the purpose of statistical sampling. And I can assure you that your ad does nothing for me other than make me chuckle and shake my head at your cluelessness.
• Here’s a guy who has a solution on how to have sex in spite of the snow: make it virtual! He wants to do a web cam show with a woman featuring his hand stroking his penis. But what’s the point? There is nothing to discover. You can see his tight abs and his dick easily enough because he’s posted pictures of both. He says doesn’t care what you look like, which is good because you can’t tell who is viewing you anyhow, which suggests that his viewers will actually be men perhaps pretending to be women.
• I’m still trying to figure out how a guy can have sex with another couple and still claim he is straight. Anyhow, that’s what this 42-year-old guy with, sigh, yet another dick picture wants to do, and he is hosting in his “upscale” Arlington hotel. Only, I’m not sure the Metro is running in this snow. He wants the couple to be between 45 and 60. I suspect he’ll be ordering a lot of room service and to the extent he gets off, it will be from watching naughty pay per view movies on TV instead.
• Why don’t some men just say they are bisexual already? They can’t quite form the words. But when you are a man advertising you want to try the cuckold side of a relationship that probably means you get leftovers, quite literally, which suggests to me you are bisexual. Anyhow, this 38-year-old man from Burke has a picture to suggest what he has in mind in his supplicant role. Careful what you wish for, Burke guy.
• Here’s a 52-year-old gay guy from my area looking for another guy. He isn’t going to let snow stop him from getting off. He’s got a four-wheel drive vehicle and he wants to drop by for whatever you want him to do to you. I assume there is no delivery charge.
• You would think if you were 63 years old, you wouldn’t be too choosy. Not all 63-year-old men have gotten the message, because here’s such a guy looking for a transvestite, but not just any transvestite or transgender. You must be between the ages of 18-30, have very high heels, a revealing outfit and must pose and/or dance. Oh and you also need to be clean and personable. He does not mention anything about having a four-wheel drive vehicle to facilitate transportation in this snow but that doesn’t matter. He’s written an ad guaranteed to attract no one. Oh, and he’s also married. It’s unclear if his wife will be watching, but I’m guessing she is clueless and if not she is laughing her ass off and wondering how she ended up marrying such a dweeb.
• When the title of your ad is “{{{==== cUm bEnd Me oVer My bEd===}}” there is a 99.9% chance that this “woman” is actually a troll or a spammer. Most likely if you click on this ad it will have been flagged for removal. Go ahead and test my theory. Expect to see at least a dozen more like this posted over the course of today.
• Oh dear. Here’s a 38-year-old woman from nearby Chantilly that wants you to come by and basically beat her up, but with a strap. It’s something about being stressed out or something. She also wants oral sex and intercourse but as written it has to be done with your strap, not your mouth or penis, which I think is physically impossible. It’s okay to bring drugs too.
• A 20-year-old voluptuous woman in Fairfax County is looking for what appears to be a first close encounter with her own gender. She has three selfies to show you what she is all about. I will say she has an impressive rack. Meanwhile, a sexy 33-year-old dominant Latina with impressive shades is also looking for her own gender. Since she wants someone younger, perhaps she should hook up with the former poster.
• A 42-year-old biracial couple (woman white, man black) wants to add a woman. They want to play in the snow, although it’s unclear which kind of white powder they mean. Looks like they can go skiing either way.

More next month.