Occam's Razor

Another month has come and gone. In January, I noted that the cold weather seemed to have dampened the libidos of my neighbors in Northern Virginia, at least in its Craigslist casual encounters area. A month later it is still cold but the libidos of my neighbors seem to be undergoing a bit of a spring thaw. I expect a plethora of kinkiness in March, but we’ll see.

Anyhow, here’s a review of a sampling of the ads I found today. Congrats to these winners, or something, for being selected from the heap of Craigslist casual encounter ads posted, because this post as is close as these ads will ever come to immortality.

• A bisexual couple in their 30’s is looking for a “shemale” or transsexual male, which the male of the couple wants to “bottom”, quite literally, while presumably his DD-endowed curvy wife watches. I thought for a moment they were from New Jersey, since their location is listed as Exit 133, but it’s in Fredericksburg. Some minutes earlier likely the same couple posted another ad, this one for a submissive female or couple. To screen couples, you have to put her bra size in the subject of the email. I’m guessing they are not interested in AAs. Considering they want two sets of partners, I have to wonder just how “safe” they are.
• Women, did you know that being in your 40s makes you older? It does to this 22-year-old woman from Alexandria who wants an older woman in this age range who is dominant and wants to make her be very nasty.
• Ladies, want to get your fix for free? Whoops, this 34-year-old guy means do you want to party, and since he’s providing drugs it’s the same thing. Curiously he makes no mention of wanting to have sex with you too. I guess the mutual high he expects to have beats an orgasm. Party on, dude.
• A bunch of young adults in Arlington, all male except for one submissive Asian female who you might say is the hostess, both figuratively and literally, are planning an orgy but you must be under 30 and preferably under 25. No beards or whiskers are allowed, but well endowed men are greatly preferred. Sorry, no gay or bi men are allowed.
• A 28-year-old man from Herndon is looking for an exhibitionist woman to show off for him. He’s not looking for a private party, but wants to do this in public for their mutual titillation, quite literally. Based on his photos, he prefers panty-less women bending over in supermarket aisles. Good luck, dude, but I bet you’ll be wanking off to porn tonight instead. Here’s a suggestion: try a Wal-Mart. Occasionally they get female flashers but if you squint hard you can pretend those back boobs are on the front. You can also see guys with breasts there. Unfortunately, there’s no Wal-Marts in Herndon, but maybe the local Kohl’s will work.
• A 25-year-old dude from Prince William County, who naturally assumes women will swoon over a picture of his engorged penis, so he’s posting it, is looking for a lonely housewife. How interesting. Hasn’t he learned that the only housewives left are in Mormon sections of Utah? So unless he moves there he is going to be disappointed.
• I hardly know what to say about this one. Okay, I’m saying something. A 42-year-old submissive bi guy is into women’s nylon panties, specifically wearing them, and he wants to be topped by something other than his dildo for the very first time. Yes, he’s a butt virgin ready to be deflowered. He has six and a half inches and a photo to prove it, but what I find kind of mesmerizing is him wearing those green nylon girly panties. It’s mesmerizing in the same way passing a grisly car wreck is mesmerizing.
• Ladies, are you overextended on your credit card? Willing to do almost anything to get rid of that outstanding balance? A 47-year-old man from Manassas claims he will take care of your credit card problem if you spend this evening masturbating with him.
• Do you know what a glory hole is? If not, I assume you will Google it. Anyhow, here’s the thing about glory holes and Craigslist: since you never see the person that will give some glory to the male, the giver of this oral pleasure is always a guy. So basically it’s about a gay guy getting some action. So word to the wise to heterosexual men: avoid ads like this one.
• Speaking as a heterosexual man, it’s always a bit sad when a woman posts for a woman and she’s a hottie. This means we can’t have her, and that makes me cry. She’s 31 and from well-moneyed Great Falls and most men would be baying at the moon after just seeing her picture. But we are off limits. And come to think of it, I’m pushing twice her age and have a wedding ring. Oh well.
• Some ads get repeated daily or more often and thus have a reputation. I’ve been scanning these ads long enough now to know that this couple in search of voyeurs are just dope heads just interested in your wallet and getting their next high. Worse, they look like hell, so you won’t want to see them even with their clothes on. A couple of times a week at least they will scam someone and a red-faced scammee will write a post saying to avoid them. As with all things in their casual encounters area, it’s best to channel Nancy Reagan and just say no.

More next month.