Occam's Razor

(Warning: this post is Rated R and some of the ads link to X-rated pictures.)

Oh the weather outside is frightful, as is curiously the Craigslist Casual Encounters Northern Virginia edition on this second day of the New Year. It sounds crass to say it’s always the guys who are horny on this site, but that’s generally the case. I pulled up the first page of ads, as I always do, and found 53 men looking for women ads, 32 men looking for men ads, 4 women looking for men ads and 2 women looking for women ads. There is also one couple looking for a woman and one guy looking for a couple. So shed a tear, but only a small one, for the many guys out there with surging hormones and little chance of finding relief on Craigslist. They are all busy casting lures into a small pond for the one fish that probably isn’t there.

So I’m going beyond the first page this month, simply because men looking for anyone ads are generally so boring. So ladies first please.

• Lisa is looking for a woman for her new FWB (friend with benefits) and is wearing a pink bra and a big smile. She’s after a woman, of course, but she doesn’t mind a man if you bring one along. He is limited to watching politely only. Okay, I’ll bite. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t interested so any ladies who want to try Lisa and bring along a man, hit me up! I figure just looking is not cheating.
• Some men are so horny to even have a chance that their ad will be read by a woman that they will advertise as a woman in hopes of snagging a lesbian. But get this, he is not up for sex or a relationship, but “I’m up for oral and masturbation and nipple play ect”. My goodness! He must have studied at the Bill Clinton (“I did not have sex with that woman”) School of Sex.
• A 28-year-old woman from Manassas is one of the few women looking for a guy tonight. “Def looking to go skiing and 420 is always a plus. Gonna be in the area for a few HH beers!” Yes, it’s snowing outside but she doesn’t mean to hit the ski slopes. She’s looking for a line or two of cocaine. “420” of course is the buzzword for drugs, so other forms of dope are welcome too. So basically she’s looking to do drugs and hopes the guy will supply her fix(es). Curiously her ad makes no promise of what the guy really wants: sex. The ending is good for a chuckle: “Please no creepers”. Geez, you creep me out lady!
• Here’s a 43-year-old married white male looking for a guy. Lots of married men want their own sex, of course, and usually their wives don’t have a clue. I assume he is worried about STDs because he specifically asks for a “butt virgin or near virgin”, ideally 18 but he will go up to age 40. He likes his candidate orifices tight but he is also open to fisting. If you don’t know what it is, look it up. Suffice to say it is not for any “virgin” orifice. You must send a picture of your derriere. He must be expecting a crowd of applicants, so if you have thong panties or a jock strap you will move to the front of his line.
• Good lord, Craigslist men don’t even screen applicants anymore. Here’s a guy in Room 302 at the Manassas Park Red Roof Inn, door ajar, blindfolded, naked, butt in the air and waiting for another guy. I guess he won’t be checking replies to his ad. If you are not prepared, don’t worry. He has condoms and lube.
• A 40-year-old local man is open to anything, as long as it’s with a woman. So if you are a woman and you want to try something you have been denied to see if you like it and without fear of embarrassment, I guess this is your chance. He’s worried that the woman might be scared to try it so he offers all sorts of reassuring words. However, he’s not worried they won’t be more scared to contact some stranger on the Internet. Go figure. To weed out spam he requires you to put “let’s try this” in the subject line.
• Ladies, are you embarrassed because you have puny breasts? This guy in Alexandria prefers them, and the smaller the better.
• Horny heterosexual men: there is some hope for you tonight, as long as you don’t mind having sex with a 50-year-old couple, or more specifically a 50-year-old submissive woman, and you don’t mind tag teaming with her husband. You need to be in your mid thirties, a dominant and not mind working with another dominant. There’s a picture of the woman you get to dominate, at least from below the neck. I personally would give her the pass.
• 69-year-old men still have hormones, but this 69’er just wants a woman to lick between her legs. I’m guessing he suffers from erectile dysfunction. The good news is that while he’s old, he’s at least “generous”, which is the code word for he’ll pay for the privilege. I guess at his age that’s likely the only way it’s going to happen. There’s another ad from a 69’er that I think is the same man.
• Ladies, admit it: most of you want to try a black man. Moreover, you really want a strong black man, and this apparent 30-year-old neighbor of mine from nearby Herndon has pictures to show you he and Charles Atlas have much in common. As for what’s below his belt, if you are curious you can see it too instead of waiting to see it in person. I’m not sure though but I think he may be a gigolo, as he has cleverly embedded his phone number in the ad in a way so it won’t get automatically flagged.
• Looking to cuddle up on a cold night when temperatures will drop into the single digits? A 45-year-old Reston man can accommodate, your place or his and he swears he is single (well divorced) and STD free. Plus, you get the bonus of body heat and maybe watching the snow fall between each bout of passion.
• How to put this delicately: here’s a guy (warning: extremely explicit picture) who wants to have his orgasm in a woman’s mouth, preferably women’s mouths. He has a very explicit picture to show you what he has in mind, but I’m thinking even the horny women aren’t going to want to see this. As for two girls at once, he claims he’s done it before. I wonder: how much did it cost him? He’s apparently got a room with all the equipment and straps to make sure you will be immobilized.
• Any ladies want to try a beaver bong (warning: explicit pictures)? Wow, this is a new one for me! I might go for the bong but not the beaver. Congratulations to this 25-year-old Arlington man for posting the weirdest post of the month.

As for my Craigslist statistics, I count 271 posts in December for Craigslist, versus 302 in November. Either the quality of my writing has gone done, or testosterone levels drop in December.

More in February.