Occam's Razor

(Warning: this blog post is rated R. If you follow some links, you may see sexually explicit pictures.)

Tis the season to ask Santa for presents. You would think that grown adults would be beyond the Santa Claus phase, but postings in Craigslist Casual Encounters are proof positive that you would be wrong. Lots of horny Americans are expecting Santa to put someone sexy under their Christmas tree and some are hoping for a group of sexy someones. Moreover, with the right present, they won’t need a fire in the hearth to stay warm. Ho ho ho!

Are these reviews still good marketing? Apparently! November statistics show 302 page views for Craigslist casual encounter posts, versus 252 for October, a 22% increase since last month. So onward, although frankly this month’s sampling is more than a little disappointing. Some nuggets are in there, but nothing that really shines as a prize chestnut. As always, I sample the first page in my browser in the Craigslist Northern Virginia casual encounter page to use as my representative sample of sexual angst and kink.

If you really want to get noticed on Craigslist, apparently some people still think that ads with titles in all capital letters is good. It’s curious this doesn’t work with billboards. Anyhow, what presents are my fellow Northern Virginians looking for this year?

• Time travel is apparently possible on Craigslist. I found two ads, posted one after another, with the same X-rated fuzzy picture but in one the man is 43-years-old looking for a submissive slut to dominate. In the other he has magically subtracted three years from his age and is just another horny married guy looking for a bit on the side. The Grinch is likely to steal both these Christmas presents. He’d actually come out ahead with coal in his stocking!
• Would you and your spouse like a discreet photographer to document your naked passion? A 49-year-old man is willing to take pictures and/or video and promises that you can keep the result. But he won’t do this for just anyone: the couple must be adventurous, fit and non-smoking. It’s unclear if this man is the same as this one, who has a sample erotic portfolio that you can look at that is frankly quite impressive. I’d definitely go with the latter.
• At least one woman, a 23-year-old shapely blonde looking for other women doesn’t want to scratch the itch today, perhaps because it’s that time of the month. But she is thankful and based on the picture she posted any lesbian or bi woman would be more than thankful to get an encounter with her. So I’m giving thanks that she posted the selfie.
• Here’s a 45-year-old man that is not particular about women. For no particular reason, he has a picture of a giant rubber duck attached. “Any Race, Any Age Petite to Thick Your place, My place, Any place.” He would prefer if this happened in his bed. I’m guessing it would be thoughtful if you also bring a rubber duck.
• What do two couples do together on a Sunday afternoon? You would think it would be maybe watching the NFL and eating popcorn, but here’s one straight couple (man is 46, woman is 36) that wants sex with another couple. Well, not quite. The other couple must be in a cuckold relationship (the man is submissive) and the husband wants to screw the other wife. His wife might take off her top. But that’s pretty much it. Frankly, football and popcorn sounds far more appealing.
• A 34-year-old man is willing to be a sperm donor. Artificial insemination is okay, but it sounds like he’d prefer to use an all-natural method. Lesbian couples are okay. This is the kind of generous holiday spirit that we are happy to see.
• Here’s a 45-year-old man with a simple proposition: live rent free with him, you just have to sleep in his bed and agree to have sex at least four times a week. Oh, women only, duh!
• Some men like them small. You must be under five feet tall to get selected by this 45-year-old man in Fairfax. He doesn’t give his height but I’m guessing he is five feet.
• Here’s a 24-year-old man from Ashburn with some high standards. Yes, he does want a girlfriend, but she needs to be an attractive and submissive slut. He wants to do lots of watching his girlfriend while she is being used by others, preferably by lots of men at the same time. But he is dominant so this is not a cuckold relationship. He has realistic expectations and suspects “it may take several dates to make that connection necessary”. Good luck with the quest, Don Quixote. If I had to guess, you will never find your Dulcinea.
• Here’s a Fairfax man who basically wants a prostitute, but can’t quite come out and say it. Maybe that’s why his ad wasn’t flagged. Anyhow, since he is providing the reward, BBWs should not bother to respond. Oh, and don’t expect to be taken out for dinner too. You know what you are supposed to do and it involves opening legs and/or mouth. Geez, this ad is sad.
• Now here’s a single father with a legitimate wish for the holidays: a woman’s touch and it’s been quite a while. He’s 48. Here’s hoping Santa delivers someone warm, caring and clean.

The general theme this month is, “my goodness, there are a lot of horny gay men out there.” I’m guessing that gay bars aren’t the way gays hook up these days, or maybe because there are so few gay bars in Northern Virginia that Craigslist is the logical hookup place instead. 35 male for male ads came up on page alone. Contrast that with 4 women for women ads, one of which is where the woman is a “gurl”, i.e. guy dressed as a girl. Horny heterosexual guys still marginally outnumber the homosexuals, with 41 ads.

More in the New Year.