Occam's Razor

(Warning: this post is rated R.)

It’s a new month. Has November’s cooler weather cooled the sexual fevers of my fellow kinky Northern Virginia residents? Not at all, if the interest in this topic on my blog is any indication. In October’s edition, I noted that there were about 220 page views for my Craigslist Casual Encounters posts. For October, I count 252 page views.

As for the hormone levels of local kinky residents, the only way to find out is to plunge into the first page of the casual encounters section of Craigslist for Northern Virginia and sample the content therein. It is the weekend so maybe this will push up hormone levels. Let’s see:

• Many men suffer from penis envy, i.e. they want a bigger one than the one nature provided. I hear that some women have breast envy, but I understand most women find anything beyond a size C a hassle. Logically though the female equivalent of the penis is the clitoris. A 45-year-old man from Alexandria seems to have a case of clitoris envy, so he wants to try a big one. Maybe this is the equivalent of roping an extra large steer and that’s its appeal to this man or maybe nature did not provide him with a large endowment and his is how he deals with his shame. Anyhow, this is definitely weird, so an A for extra effort here. I don’t recall seeing this particular kink before on Craigslist. Ladies, in case you miss the first ad, don’t worry. He’s got two others.
• A muscular 29-year-old gay dude is hosting in his hotel in Alexandria, but not in a cheap Motel 6, but at the Crowne Plaza. In case his rippling muscles are not enough to start your heavy breathing, he also has a picture of his package for you to drool over.
• Everyone remembers their first time. You can only lose your virginity once but even after that memorable first time there are still brave new worlds to explore, like your first experience with a “she-male”. This 46-year-old man in Alexandria is ready to voyage, but he is not interested in ordinary cross dressers. You got to have breasts. I assume it’s okay if you have a beard since he didn’t specifically rule that out. If you don’t qualify because you haven’t started hormone treatment, fear not. This 22-year-old dude is not as particular.
• Occasionally you see ads on Craigslist in the younger/older category. Sometimes it’s an older woman (30s to 40s) who wants to see if she can be a cougar. Sometimes it’s a young guy looking for an older woman to be his first. Maybe it’s less awkward or something. But a 39-year-old man looking for mother/son role-play? Please! Paging grandma, or maybe that’s great grandma! Paging Dr. Freud too.
• A 30-year-old man in Ashburn wants to try a threesome with a couple, but keeps striking out, probably because he is advertising on Craigslist. He doesn’t mention the size of his endowment, which is probably the issue. It’s probably that or that he is not black. He needs a BBC (Google it if you don’t understand) and he needs to be a bull (Google that too if necessary). Umm, no male-to-male interaction!
• A gay guy is getting tired of practicing being a bottom with his plastic sex toys. You can see pictures of this if you want, but you won’t. So he needs the real thing and he has to be the bottom of this relationship. Any ordinary gay won’t do. He (she?) has to also be a transvestite. White or Latino only.
• Ho hum. Another gay dude wants a straight to succumb to his mouth, which logically means that he must be much better at fellatio because he is gay, duh! So he’ll definitely impress you with his sucking abilities that your cruel female significant other won’t give you and maybe turn you gay too. (Pat Robertson was right!!) Explicit picture. Warning: don’t click, unless you are a proctologist! You have been warned!
• A 34-year-old man wants to f*** the babysitter. Not a real babysitter, and since he is willing to give a donation, I guess the only requirements are (a) female and (b) 18-22. But this is role-play so you got to earn your “donation”, ladies. A short skirt is required. And be prepared for a little car trip too.
• There is only one lady looking for another lady ad that I could find, except that she has a boyfriend and hopes he can watch. It’s got to be this weekend and bringing dope is fine!
• A couple in their 20s is looking for a woman to join them. While they are white, they don’t discriminate, at least not based on ethnicity. That’s nice of them. I get the feeling though that morbidly obese women are out of contention. Four pictures, all G-rated for a change!
• Are you a woman who has sensitive breasts? This 35-year-old man in Fairfax wants to find you. He swears he only wants to suck them, nothing else! Umm, unless you want something else, of course.
• Two executive professionals, age 38, want to double one lady’s pleasure (warning: explicit pictures). I doubt those pictures are of them, but it sure doesn’t look like they envision the safe sex they claim to practice.
• 55-year-old men, particularly this one from Manassas, aren’t dead quite yet below the belt. The good news is that since this man can’t get any, he won’t be particular at all; he’s that desperate. “Chubby mature women to the front,” he says but don’t worry, this won’t be a long line. In fact, there won’t even be a line. Sorry, dude.

So, not so kinky this month, altogether. Testosterone levels must drop a bit in the autumn.

More in December.