Occam's Razor

(Warning: this post is rated R.)

Last month’s look at my area’s kinky needs was a cornucopia of perversion. This month: not so much. It’s more the usual: lots of guys posting for other guys, and lots of horny men posting for women. Women of course will find much better things to do on a Saturday night than read these hormone-laced and desperate cries for kinky or even not so kinky sex. These guys will take pretty much anything they can get. It’s not easy being in your high hormone years, as I can attest. Of course, in my day we didn’t have Craigslist, so I was out of options except for bar hopping, which I was too shy to do. Somehow I survived.

Apparently I don’t have anything better to do on a Saturday night except post about weirdness on Craigslist. I was hoping to watch an episode of Ask the Midwife with my wife. This is a great British series that I will review if we can actually finish it. I may have to finish watching it by myself because, at least for tonight, my wife won’t be pulled away from watching hours of mindless TV about cute animals. So here I am.

It remains to be seen if this attention to Craigslist will improve my page hits. I ran a Google Analytics report for August and documented about a hundred and fifty hits for these posts. They remain popular but I get a lot more hits for dated eulogies and, surprising, for my nine-year-old post on emotion versus reason. Still, I figure my blog should mirror the breadth of human nature from the erudite to the trash. So here is a sampling of the trash in the Northern Virginia Craigslist Casual Encounters section for this night in September:

• A black dude is hanging out in the Fauquier High School tennis courts. He is not there to play tennis. But if you’re a guy needing some relief, well, I bet you can figure out what he will do for you with his mouth, at least until it gets dark. I wonder: does the Fauquier sheriff’s department read Craigslist? If so this guy may now be in the county clink.
• Here’s a guy hoping an amorous couple is looking for a third and will choose him. He’ll tag team but of course he (and this is important!) is not the least bit bi, although he is not amiss to double penetration of the female. Hmm.
• An alleged woman (warning: explicit picture) is looking for a couple that will put oddly shaped toys into her wet place where the sun don’t shine, and tape the experience. The odder the toy, the better. This wins my award for the weirdest post of the month.
• It looks like the two guys from last month that are double-teaming are still looking for an available woman. Will some woman out there please give them a break?
• Some guys figure multiple postings will get them what they want. This 37-year-old guy from Woodbridge is obviously the same guy with six posts (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) in a row all hoping to find a woman into tall boots who also wear corsets. Sounds like he needs some time with a local dominatrix. But he’s only available Monday thru Friday, 8:30 AM to 3 PM, which probably means he is married and works second shift, and his wife is not into boots, corsets and domination. As an incentive he claims he is at least eight and a half inches.
• Life is unfair if you are not especially endowed between the legs. Here’s a guy thinking he is small because he has “only” five inches (I am so sick of this fixation on penis length) but he is thinking large in one respect: he’s not looking for a woman, but a couple.
• Hotel rooms can be so lonely, which is why this guy in Tysons hopes to entice a local woman to drop by for a casual hookup. At least he has a comfortable bed. How this will play out is not hard to figure out. To the extent he makes love tonight, it will be with his right hand. If I were him, I’d wander down to the bar and start buying the lady barflies drinks.
• Here’s a gay guy who can’t seem to hook up with anyone, despite the plethora of male for male ads on Craigslist. Maybe it is because he is 56, or more likely, just a jerk. So he is forming a club for gays including cross dressers, transsexuals and hermaphrodites, all because of his humanitarian instincts. What a guy! It’s not too hard to figure out his club in South Riding will max out at one person.
• Now this is weird: a gay couple is hosting a “boy/son/younger”. It is pretty creepy and anyone with any sense, if they can actually get a young man to show up, had darn well better check his ID closely to make sure he is of legal age. If I were the “boy” I’d run a police check on the couple before entering the house.
• It’s always touching when a guy posts because he wants to lose his virginity. But I feel sorry for this man because he is 27. Only thirteen more years and he can be the forty-year-old virgin. Call me skeptical, but I doubt that he is a virgin. I suspect this is the latest play by horny young men desperate for a little action, going for the sympathy and cougar angle. Good luck with that.

More next month, maybe, if the Google Analytics tells me it is worth my time.