Occam's Razor

(Warning: this blog post is rated R.)

I’ve written eloquently recently about the beautiful northeastern United States. I have tried your patience with my opinions on various cities therein as retirement locations and generally wrote a lot of flowery G-rated stuff. Now that I am back home in Northern Virginia, it’s time to take out the trash, both literally and figurative. Figuratively, this means my second monthly attempt to surf the local Craigslist Casual Encounters section in hopes it will generate more hits on my blog. Let’s see what especially pungent morsels of trash are out there tonight.

As usual, Craigslist does not disappoint. We humans may aspire to greatness, but mostly we are hormone-crazy, sex-obsessed, value-impaired perverts. At least that’s the impression looking at this section of Craigslist. So put a clothespin on your nose and dive in with me.

I am too embarrassed to even quote key passages from this one, but this guy gives gay men everywhere a bad reputation. There are people out there who get off pleasing their gender with their mouth while their partner does a #2. “Be decent looking and ready to do this now!! No endless emails or other bs”, says this allegedly 29-year-old male. I simply cannot fathom how anyone could possibly find this sexually stimulating.

Another thing I don’t understand is why gay guys want to give oral sex to straight dudes. By definition, if you are straight you’re not interested in having sex with guys. “Straight guys go to the front of the line.” Umm, I think you mean maybe bi guys, or more likely gay guys who pretend to like women because they are Mormons. Yikes! And this guy lives in Herndon, just next door.

You know you have had too many partners when you no longer find anyone of your own ethnicity sexy. Typical is this white lady looking for sex, but only if from a tall black guy. “If you’re none of those things, you won’t get a response,” she warns. Well, it goes both ways, lady, sort of. There are also men into Asian women, like this 25-year-old Latino from Dale City. Based on his ability to spell if I were an Asian woman I would definitely look elsewhere. “I would like to fine (sic) a (sic) Asian woman who love (sic) to ****, age and size is not a problem.” It’s nice though that if none are available, he is flexible: “but I’m open to other races so let me know if there is real woman in here who are (sic) horny and want to get ****.” Umm, everyone is going to give you a pass, dude.

Homeless women of the metro area: good news. There’s a 23-year-old guy flying into Reagan National who wants to wine and dine you, and please bring that other unwashed stringy-haired homeless lady on the concrete next to you: “looking for some white females to chill or might be drunk and need a place or someone to chill with or buy them food lol.” You get a comfy bed for the night, a hot meal and sex! It sounds ideal!

Last month I found a “girl” who wanted a “daddy”. Horny older guys must have noticed because now “daddy” wants to find his “girl” (warning: explicit picture). Don’t worry that he’s weird or something just because he is into incest fantasy. “Very sane, very grounded, and not some creepy old man.” I am sure local women are relieved. In any event, he’s probably much more into younger, firmer, tighter women than he is into incest. This fishhook doubtlessly landed in the kiddy pool.

Now this is different, even for Craigslist. Some horny and desperate guys will volunteer to be a sperm donor, as long as they can do it “live”. Some will even let the husband watch while they make their donation. Respectable sperm donors of course make donations at a sperm bank, and often earn a little cash for having DNA with desirable characteristics. This dude though is happy to make his deposit into a cup while you and hubby watch. He will also do it for you and your lesbian partner, or for just you (a woman). Presumably he leaves and you get to keep his deposit.

Some horny men have figured it out: team playing (warning: explicit picture) increases their chances of getting laid because some women want to have more than one man at the same time. So they work together instead of separately. Sounds pretty icky to me but I am sure there are some women into this, but they probably aren’t reading Craigslist. Good luck to them, I guess, but I do hope they use plenty of protection. More than likely their team playing will come to naught. “We are both Caucasian and completely straight. If we meet, it will all be about you and we will do our best to spoil you with pleasure.”

Into grandmothers? I might be at a certain age, most likely because it will be my only option. If there are any grandmothers into sexy, tall black men, it’s your lucky day, however he is not 25, he is 54. Click here, granny.

Are you a wimp? Then you need someone else to take charge and punish you. “I would take it as a great honor if you would discipline me, punish me, make me do things I may not want to do, and to use me for your pleasure.” Dude, your real punishment is going to be that no woman is going to even notice your ad. Consider yourself thoroughly abused.

These were found in just the first page of listings. It’s a safe bet that no more than one out of 100 of these will lead to an actual encounter, and only 1 of 100 of those will lead to something resembling what the writer is hoping to get. The Rolling Stones got it right fifty years ago: you can’t always get what you want. But you may get what you need. For most of these people, I’m hoping it’s a good psychotherapist.