Occam's Razor

(Warning: adult content. Reader discretion is advised.)

I am on a two-week holiday. I go back to work on January 9th. Like last year, I try to make my vacations at home count. Since my scenery is not going to change, I find it helpful to change the scenery in my mind. One way is to venture to places on the internet that time does not usually allow me to visit, such as Craigslist. There I go trolling for the unusual and the bizarre. I do not know what it is about Craigslist, but bizarre people seem to be drawn to it like a moths to a flame.

Because it was one of the internet’s first successful bulletin boards (and because its owner Craig Newmark has persisted in keeping it around for about a decade), Craigslist has proven surreally popular. It is achingly low tech and unpretentious. It seems to be inhabited by contributors who cannot be bothered to spell check or use mixed case. Sadly, it is often full of spam. It is also a zone in cyberspace absent virtually any of the constraints that come with real life. As best I can tell, the only thing that you cannot get away with on Craiglist is child pornography. You can buy or sell pretty much anything including apparently illegal drugs (using code words like 420). It is one massively low-tech free speech zone. Except for the cost of an internet connection, it is truly free.

If you want a taste of Craigslist at its most bizarre, you simply must check out its many Casual Encounters sections. (There is one for each major city and state). But beware: Casual Encounters is an ultimate smoke and mirrors place in cyberspace where kinky and desperate libidos (generally male) play war with endless numbers of con artists and massively dysfunctional people. In Casual Encounters, the id emerges into the limelight and hold us in its garish gaze. Reality becomes surreal and the surreal morphs into the real. No one is quite who they appear to be. Their many kinky needs suggest posters are dealing with larger issues. Perhaps just by reading them from time to time I too am one of the fallen. (Just because I suspect you will be wondering, no, I have never met anyone from Craigslist, except my wife, who found some work on the side through Craigslist when she was otherwise unemployed.) On the other hand, maybe I am just a human being. Just as most drivers cannot help but slow down and gawk when we pass by an accident, those of us straying through Craiglist’s Casual Encounters find it something of a 24/7 rubberneck zone. It is not pretty. It is not poetic. It is typically crass and obscene. Nevertheless, it is hard not to look.

Most of the posters are guys, of course. It is clear their hormone levels are critically high. It is also clear that most haven’t a clue how on to woo a woman. Perhaps this characterization is unfair. Perhaps it is more accurate to say they have many very kinky needs that they cannot whisper to a woman they know. They can only find safety in expressing it to someone whom they do not know. Many seem incredibly desperate. Here is a sample of some of today’s postings from men looking for women in Craigslist’s Washington D.C. Casual Encounters area:

• A 26 year old guy has his webcam ready and is willing to show his engorged nine inch long sexual organ to any willing woman.
• A 24 year old guy woos women with, “You be Dairy Queen and I’ll be burger king. You treat me right; and I’ll do it your way”. (You can bet women are swooning over these lines.)
• A 25 year old guy would like to orally do to a woman’s naked derriere what many dogs would do to yours if you let them
• Many, many married men want a woman on the side, preferably someone younger, with firm breasts, a very high libido and with a predilection toward secrecy. Some will pay for the privilege.

Yes, there are “women” out there looking for men. Many are looking to “hit the slopes”, but their definition of skiing may surprise you. The vast majority though are run of the mill cyberspace pornographers trolling for email addresses. Others appear to be prostitutes who prefer to stay indoors instead of hiking their skirts near Logan Circle. They will not say it explicitly but it is clear enough with posting titles like “Sugar Daddy $$$$ wanted”. Those with a modicum more discretion are looking for “generous” men. For most though, sex, in the unlikely event it is realized, appears to be tangential. I guess they need all that sugar so they can keep hitting the slopes. To which all I can say is “Eew!” But I often say that when I pass an accident too.

Of the few ads from women that might actually be looking for a non-monetary and consensual sexual relationship, most are from BBWs. BBW apparently means “Big Beautiful Woman” which I suspect really means, “I make Edna in Hairspray look petite”.

Curiously, there seem to be lots of married women, almost all 30 or 31, who happen to live on Capitol Hill or Georgetown looking for a fling. Many claim to be wives of congressmen. Don’t worry, they manage to work out regularly at the gym, don’t smoke and promise complete discretion.

Of course, there are guys looking for other guys, sometimes married guys. I am not a homosexual but if I were, why would I be looking for married men? It seems like it would be more efficient to visit the local bathhouse.

Yes, there are plenty of libidinous couples out there looking to expand their humdrum sex lives. More power to them. Nevertheless, guys, they don’t want you. They want another woman. The wife is apparently very bi-curious, and the husband is just plain curious to watch his wife have sex with another woman. He no doubt also hopes he will get into her pants while his wife participates. The few couples out there looking for a man for a triad have a husband who usually asserts that he is not even a tiny bit bisexual. Oh please!

There are more women looking for women ads than I expected. Sixteen advertised so far today, and I would assume these are legitimate. Some cannot seem to admit they want sex. They claim they are looking for make out sessions only. Maybe they just want to stick one toe into the water to see if it is cold. Others can be as clinical as any guy.

It does not take much reading before these sorts of ads no longer seem the least bit remarkable. However, we discerning Craigslist readers look for not the routinely bizarre, but the desperately and unusually bizarre ad. What am I supposed to think of this posting that I saw today?

I want to empty a can of WD-40 into your…. – 25

I will travel to do this. I have my own funnel, so you don’t need one. I would appreciate going dutch on the WD-40, but not required. I would use a can of Right Gaurd because it smells better, but that cost twice as much.

Hell, if all goes well, I will drop a duece in your grill. No charge. All I ask is that you be discreet, rich, white, skinny, pretty, left handed, scorpio, and have a dog. Not cat people (a.k.a. freaks) please.

If this sounds like your cup of tea, get ready to start living. I mean it, too. It’ll be nothing but apple juice wishes and sardine dreams from here on out!

This one is clearly a joke, but with some it is hard to tell. At 48, I think of myself as something of a man of the world. However, ads like this, even when they are a joke, can still leave me bug eyed.